Let’s call it “the thing” – a memory, a person, an unknown that completely and totally occupies your brain. You wake up thinking about the thing, eat lunch thinking about the thing, poop thinking about the thing. It is all up in your grill and the more you try to not think about the thing, the more the thing shows up everywhere.
Have no fear, friends. I’ve field-tested and developed some systems guaranteed to maybe help.
Ways to stop thinking about the thing you can’t stop thinking about:
- Weed the garden while listening to a podcast about murdered people.
- Play chess with your adorable and hilarious nephew.
- Read a book about someone’s life that is worse than yours.
- Sleep with the help of actual drugs because you are way past pretending natural sleep remedies work.
- Hang out with the friend that makes you belly laugh by barely even trying.
- Practice punch lines to the joke that makes Tim Tebow fall in love with you .
- Cook food that takes forever to prepare, maybe even food you don’t eat like meat or things without cheese.
- Say yes to all of the projects and all of the favors that everyone who isn’t a dumb dumb says no to.
- Borrow kids (or use your own), take borrowed kids out for ice cream, let borrowed kids order whatever they want, sit quietly and listen.
- Pray. Pray. Pray. For everyone else for a change.
Ways to FO SHO think about the thing you can’t stop thinking about constantly:
- Go out in public.
- Stay home alone.
- Sit in a chair.
- Take a shower.
- Listen to music that has not been carefully pre-researched to contain zero lyrics that even slightly resemble the thing.
- Spend time with humans.
- Spend time alone.
- Download dating app. Set up profile. View one profile of opposite sex. Immediately delete app and throw phone across room. Repeat several times a week.
- Eat food.
- Lay in bed.
- Do the math on how many more years you have to work before you can move to Fiji and eat pineapple for a living.
- Go to the bathroom without your phone.
- Go to the bathroom with your phone and scroll any social media.
- Almost choke on a Triscuit and question how long it will be before someone discovers your body.
I dunno though.