You Nasty! Check Your Gym Etiquette

One of my favorite stand-up jokes (I cannot for the life of me remember the comedian.  If it’s you, lemme know so I can give ya props!) goes a little something like this:

“Don’t you hate it when you touch your face with your hand and think ‘Mmm, that BBQ sauce smells good.’  Then you lick your finger and think ‘Mmm, that BBQ sauce IS good.’  And then you realize ‘Wait a minute…I haven’t had BBQ sauce today.'”

Gross.  And yes – that happened to me last night.

I was in Total Body Conditioning at Midtown Athletic Club (holla!) gettin’ my sweat on. Midway through jump squats, I wiped my Bieber bangs aside and thought “Ewww. My hand smells like cigarette smoke.  I should have washed my hands before I came to class.  Wait a minute…I don’t smoke!”

Which leads me to a little segment I like to call: YOU NASTY!

If you smoke cigarettes on the way to the gym (…what?), then use dumbbells without washing your hands: YOU NASTY!

Image: The Glove Slap

If you sweat so much in spin class that you can do the backstroke in the pool that’s formed  on the floor yet DON’T wipe down your bike for the next sorry sap: YOU NASTY!

If you do naked push-ups in the locker room: YOU NASTY! (True Story.)

If I can tell that you aren’t wearing underwear beneath your Lycra capris: YOU NASTY!

If you don’t clean your hair doll out of the COMMUNAL shower drain: YOU NASTY!

If you get up from the weight bench and a damp outline of your body is still visible and you walk away: YOU NASTY! - I wish people would thank me for wiping my sweat off machines at the gymPin It
If you leave your stanky white towel on the floor, treadmill, counter, bench, weight machine, bike and or shower floor: YOU NASTY! If I can smell your body odor from more than 2 feet away and you do not have a hereditary glandular condition: YOU NASTY! - Thanks for keeping me awake with your body odorPin It

If you are sitting in the sauna, steam room or hot tub and there is not cotton, spandex, polyester or a combination thereof between your caboose and whatever you are sitting on: YOU NASTY!

If I have to spend my entire workout PRAYING that your junk doesn’t fall out of your shortie shorts: YOU NASTY!

Image: Columbia Pictures

Now you may be thinking “Megan, that’s a little harsh.”  You know what’s harsh? You giving me MRSA (pronounced Mersa) or any other type of bacterial infection.   When my body starts to “pus fluids from the site” or my kidneys start to fail, I’m comin’ after you.

People, there is an unwritten (until now) gymnasium etiquette that you need to abide by.  It’s isn’t complicated.  I’ll actually sum it up for you – the gym isn’t your personal space.  You are not free to leave your stuff around or make a mess and expect someone else to clean up after you.  You are not free to exercise half naked, or in some unfortunate cases, naked.  For that matter, you shouldn’t really be naked at all unless you are in the shower or in between outfits.  I don’t care if you are an ab model – no one is comfortable with you blow drying your hair naked.  This is America, not Europe.  We are judgmental, afraid of and uncomfortable with the human body.

Image: Body Building

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So let’s all do one another a solid and respect our fellow gym mates.  Maybe that means waiting to inhale your cancer sticks on the way home from the gym, investing in some pants with more material or walking a few extra steps to grab a paper towel and wipe down your elliptical.  In the end, I think we will all be better off.  After all, pus isn’t sexy on anyone.  Even this guy.

Who’s With Me?! What is your biggest gym-related pet peeve?

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18 thoughts on “You Nasty! Check Your Gym Etiquette

  1. Ummm…icky….this post (though hilarious) has my lip curling just a bit – and not in a sexy way. What a nasty list!!

    My biggest gym pet peeves:

    1). The Gym Talker!! You know these guys/gals: the gym seems to be their social playground and they hover around equipment chatting with their bros while the rest of us patiently (or not patiently at all in my case) wait for them to finish telling whatever pointless story they have to tell so we can get our fitness on!

    2). Women who seem to want to cozy up to me while I'm in the SAUNA: read: SAUNA! You know, that place that is already ridiculously hot and claustrophobic BEFORE you sat down within three inches of me instead on the other bench?!

    (Reading this post makes me refreshingly happy that we now have our own Fitness Paradise in our basement!!)

  2. U iz funny Megnan!

    Next post should cover common annoyances in the gym. My personal frustrations: guy who lifts weights and makes sex noises no matter how light the dumbell is, and guy who must SLAM the weights on every machine during every rep.

    OK, now that I've vented on a totally unrelated topic…

    • Brando – you are speaking my language! If the weight is SO heavy that you have to drop it from shoulder height…pretty sure you have no business lifting it!!!

  3. Awesome! This post is SO true! Hmm…. biggest gym pet peeves:

    1. The people who stand RIGHT in front of the free weight rack to do their exercises. They aren't considerate enough to think that others may want to grab the weights that they're standing in front of.

    2. I'm going to second the guy making sex noises no matter how light the weight he lifts, then slamming them down onto the ground. My theory is he's making up for smaller body parts.

    3. The posers – the people who LOOOOVE to check themselves out in the mirrors. Please save that for your alone time at home.

    Thank you! Keep the posts coming!

  4. Biggest pet peev is the "look at me, I work out" group. I've been working out for years, but not because I have a complex that I think people need to know. Most gyms are there for this purpose. Bottomline, take care of yer S#$%, respect others, go about your business.

    • Well said, Mr. Caine! And that is why I belong to a bonafide "tennis club" where you will find soccer moms, 12 year olds and blue hairs. You know, people who can put their arms down when they walk. Thanks for reading!

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  6. Megan – you will be proud. Your sister and I went to the gym together today, and she ensured all machines we used were cleaned afterwards. You are an inspiration! ;o)

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  8. This is just what I was searching for. I don’t work out faithfully and part of the reason is the thought of all of the germs around gyms. I hate seeing a man sweat like a work horse and leaves a puddle around the machine and never bothers to wipe the machine down! GROSS. I can’t stand for someone to wipe their face, sweat every where, dig in their nose or butt and never once wipe the machine down. I met a friend who has a friend, lol, that almost lost her site from a repeat infection from the gym. I know someone who goes to the gym and has a ringworm every few months!! WASH YOUR FREAKING HANDS!! I have kids and I’m super afraid that I will bring something home with me one of these times. It drives me crazy.

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